I’m watching this documentary on hospital chaplains. Which isn’t something I’d usually do. Indeed, it’s simply on in the background as I wrestle with homework.

But lines keep jumping out at me:

Pastoral care is about climbing into a person’s hole and just sitting there with them.

It’s amazing what a difference it can make to have someone just sit there with them. Not trying to make sense or explain the unfairness, just to listen.

She’s been an angel to me, right from the beginning

(And the quotes aren’t perfect, but the sentiment is there and when I heard them, the words rang true.)

Don’t quite know what to make of that one…

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

- Robert Frost

And isn’t it glorious to analyse poetry in class? I instantly read this in regards to suicide, relating to every word. And couldn’t say a thing as I listened to the class fail to understand the sentiment…

“But how is that peaceful?”
“But death is bad”
“Why would he consider death like that?”
“Can we just say it’s a mid-life crisis instead?”
“I’m just going to ignore that interpretation because I don’t like it”.

Sure, you’re entitled to your own opinions. Sure, it’s a (deliberately) ambiguous poem. But for someone who normally struggles to find the figurative meaning, this one jumped out at me. And I’m sure, were any of you to know I felt like this, that you’d support me as best you could, rather than rejecting it as bizarre.

But do we REALLY have to analyse suicidal poems in class? It’s not exactly doing much good for my mental health.

It’s amazing how easy it is to become invisible. To be forgotten. It really doesn’t take much. Of course, some people still notice you, make the effort to acknowledge your presence. But mostly, you just fade away…into silence and into non-existence.

I never know what to make of it, but I love it

They pick up on the oddest things

That’s what friends are for

(Plus, it gives me a sense of self worth)

Your smile evokes mine, and when you laugh so do I

Thank you so much

and in response I do the same :)

Now what?

I’m sorry. But that’s how it feels.

First you blow up at me out of nowhere. Then you go behind my back. Then you lie to my face and say you don’t know what I’m talking about.

I shouldn’t HAVE to hack into your email accounts to find out what’s going on. It’s not as if I enjoy doing it.

But it’s better than walking into things blind. And having to admit my ignorance to people whose opinions I actually care about.

(And no, I’m sorry, but right now you don’t make that list.)

unable to breathe or move….is fucking scary unpleasant.